ALLISONBEAR

I*ve never felt sorrow like this...i dont know why this one is hitting me SO hard. everyone i have lost in the past...has been hard....VERY hard...but it hasn*t been QUITE like this because Ally was a part of our everyday lives...she was the best part of waking up and the best part of going to sleep....(aside from dj) but she made it all complete. she was our snuggle bear...we would wake and fall asleep to her rumbling purr sound and feeling on our chests...and now its not there...while we went to work we knew her and ally would be snuggled up in a ball together or having fun together...now ink is all alone...and i can TELL she is SO confused and worried. It*s what is killing me the most i think.



Ink and ally were like yin and yang, not only in how they slept but they were total opposites that complimented and completed each other....ally the cuddlebug and ink the independent feisty one...it*s so INCOMPLETE without allison in the house. It REALLY changes the vibe of EVEYTHING. AND I HATE IT. I HATE IT. Taryn sent me a poem from a pet loss sight that made me feel a little better...and this morning ive been on the site reading poems and crying yet again...here is the poem taryn left me:



Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....



On the pet loss page is goes over the stages of grief so you can understand that what you are feeling is normal and that one day you WILL start to feel better...and NO it will never be ALL better...bc there are moments every day for the rest of our lives im sure we will think of her..but i guess the trick is to not feel pain when we are reminded of her but take a second to feel her beside us rubbing her little wet nose against our hand or leg..to feel her purring deeply like she always does.
She even purred for DJ after she was hit...to tell him it was going to be ok and that she was ok.




i feel empty...i feel mad...i feel lonely i feel weak i still feel a little guilty...i dont want to feel better but at the same time i do...i STILL am in a little of the chock phase where i cant REALLY get a grip on the fact that this is real....
it SUCKS.



Ink is now on the foot of the bed...ally would b on my computer/tummy if she were here in the flesh...and rambo has his front paws on the bed and his head laying on my stomach trying to console me. i just keep glancing at ink...thinking she looks so alone and sad...i keep wondering what shes thinking...and i dont know what to do to take her mind off things. she doesnt really like to play games...she just likes to snuggle with allison or go outside with allison but now i will NEVER let them outside EVER again...maybe ill try to get her used to a leash but that seems pointless she would hate that.

i made myself go to work yesterday...crazy that my last post was on the morning of allys death...i knew nothing of it...she was on my tummy as i blogged...purring away...sorry- got off topic...
i went into work thinking it would force me to snap out of it...it didnt work...and only elina REALLY TRULY understood my pain in the way that i felt it. i feel like everyone else may had gone through a pet loss...but only she knew how i was feeling and how strongly i am feeling it. she went to the bathroom and cried with me. the rest of the crew really didnt know what to do with me in my state but at teh end of the night...one boy came in early so i could go home early and one boy offered to take my shift today so i could take more time. it made me want to cry more. they said they were here to help and they listened to everything i have been going through in my life and my head...they said no matter where life takes me - even if i decide to leave soon...to remember i always have them here in dc. it was REALLY really nice. even if they didn*t understand why i was being such a weak baby about this...they understood that i was in pain and were doing what they could to make me smile.

{i want to thank everyone for their kind words and caring..it really means a lot to both of us..i know its hard to know what to say to a grieving person but thank u for just being there}


We will be getting her ashes and paw print soon...it*s going to be TERRIBLE. the next YEAR is going to feel terrible i feel like. i need something to change i feel like. a new place...a new something. knowing we all came here together as one big happy family who was going to do this together and now not having one fourth of us make it just feels so haunting. the other half of me feel like this was the last place she was and it will be hard to leave. i know no matter where we go she will be with us...and the only thing that truly comforts me is thinking rainbow bridge really exists...but that she also comes and hang out with us every day too...and sleeps with us at night and sleeps with ally while we are gone....but i REALLY want heaven to exist... i REALLY do...i REALLY want to think that i will see her again and ink will see her again...and that when each member of our little family passes away in their own time that we are greeted and welcomed and escorted by the ones who have gone before us...and that we will all wait happily for the next member to arrive. I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE TRUE. How do i make it true???

it*s raining...

hi everyone...i know it*s been a while but thats bc pretty much nothing has changed...one of my best friends grandfather passed away last week and it really made me sad i couldn*t be there for her. It also made me sad i cant see my family more often...time is really so precious. But we DID go upstate that weekend bc i thought thats when the wake was (but they had held it earlier in the week:()...but we got to see dj*s family and celebrate Brookes b-day which was absolutely wonderful and really what both of us needed so desperately. Zoe never gets taller it seems (ok a little)...yet she can do more and more every time i see her...she can talk now...and just makes the funniest expressions and is just the most adorable thing you*ve ever seen. i also got to see amanda who i*ve missed so much...
...mmm...don*t really know what to say...work is work. I only see Dj when it*s dark outside...i think my schedules finally changing but for the worse...i*m pretty sure i wont be getting every weekend off anymore...something has to be done soon...things get really slow at the hotel for the next few months so maybe ill take an extra day off a week so maybe i can see DJ at least once... or maybe not? i guess we*re here to work and save money so thats what i should do....
...the leaves here are not as impressive as the ones in NY that we saw last weekend...but maybe ours just haven*t hit their peek yet. I found the most amazing place in NY where if i ever moved back...i would ABSOLUTELY have to look into one way or another...for work or play...it*s called OMEGA and it*s a wellness retreat center...they practice and teach sustainable living...and have famous inspirational speakers from all over the world come. They have beautiful yoga, dance and art centers and everything you could ever imagine....an amazing spa....gardens...i need to go some time!


In my head right now...i would love to finish up 6 months here and then move back to NY for another 4 or 5 years. It would give me time to be there for big changes that come with things my and my friends age...i want to be there for them...the good and the bad moments...and i want to have children closer to family. The place i am looking at is right around omega actually and about an hour from CT and about 45 mins from home in NY...so it*s pretty perfect...well it might be better if it were a little closer to both but that*s just not possible...lol. The town is pretty much the closest thing one could ever find to matching stars hollow...and if you don*t know what that is then you just wont understand but it makes me EXTREMELY happy to think about.

DJ*S UPDATE!!

WOW, Miriams blogs are soo good, i have to read them to see what we have been up to most of the time we are so busy all the time.

Work is work, i cant argue about if i love it or not, i do it for our lil family to provide what we need/want, i go there for most of the day and get stuff done and do the best i can, make money and look forward to coming home to Miriam and the animals. Im asleep now when Miriam gets home from work, so i make sure that she has everything she needs so when she gets home so she can get into bed as quick as possible.

The wedding was great, everything went well and now my best friend is married. I think i may have done well with my best mans speach, im not sure. Everything seemed to fly past!

Our little visit with the family in atlantic city was amazing but too short, hopefully we can get to NY this weekend to see everyone again!

One thing i noticed living down here is that I dont think my body is used to the seasons. It was 75 outside last night and 65 outside thi morning....somthing about that did not feel right for this time of year.

"Let me c your bowling face!"

WELL...
The wedding was absolutely beautiful...SO detailed, so thought out...there was just SO much to it...i mean, the shower, the bach party, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the after party, the after luncheon... EVERY ONE of them was detailed out to the max. Cats mom planned most of it... i can see now why she has been so stressed out!!
I couldn*t have had a better time spent with Brooke and Glenn, we just had a ball...and i needed it so much. {I didn*t really see dj that much bc he had many best man duties to fulfill, but he had an awesome time too}
After the lunch the next day we took off to meet Brooke, Glenn, Dean and Patty in Atlantic city. It was my first time and wow...it was like...a grown ups, dirty disney world?? I*ve never been a casino person, and every time i go into one or around one i remember why. im a slight germaphobe in general...but this place just gave me the heebygeebies. The sounds of course are like any casino and just an overwhelming overlay of freaky circus musicish type thing that is created from the thousands of slot machines going off...the freakiest part of all is the people who are there...some are huge... some look homeless, some are wearing barely anything and now i can tell a prostitute from a mile away from working at marriott...and all are just SO hypnotized...THAT was what freaked me out the most. There were people u could just tell lost so much money by their blank faces...they would just stair far off into space like they..idk...lets change the subject....the beach was very pretty...i loved frolicking around and watching the waves and hearing them crash and feeling the wind sweeping all around me...we all had dinner together which was great...anddd then Dj and i had to leave all too soon bc rambos babysitter locked the keys in the house so she couldn't get back in. :*{

Yesterday we woke up exhausted...but ventured out to a new dog park i looked up that*s pretty much right down the road from us...it was great...waterfalls everywhere and a dog park and it just reminded me of back in the woods back home so it made me happy.

i*m heading back to work in a few short hours...really just don*t understand work...the point, the concept. I always thought i would ONLY do a job i LOVED...i dont understand doing anything but that... i don*t know where i got it in my mind that that was how it was supposed to be... but....i*m learning fast that it*s not like that. I don*t know how long i can work a job where i see my only friend here one day a week if i*m not scheduled. What do i even have to look forward to? I dunno, hopefully something will change. It pretty much has to. Or ill lose whatever mind i have left. Crossing my fingers that we both get this weekend off so we can be with fam and friends this holiday.

It all comes together eventually...have patience with life and most importantly, yourself

YESTERDAY. oohhh yesterday. OK, well...I finally cried. LOL. Anndddd...well, let me explain.

I go to work...doing the usual thing...shadowing Carolina, also checking guests in myself...and Ameina, one of the supervisors, pulls me aside and says, Miriam, I*ve been watching you, and you are ready to do this all on your own. It*s the only way i feel you will learn everything...if you keep relying on Carolina, this learning process will take you forever. At first...i was a little panicked...i thought i still had at least another week of shadowing...i still felt there was SO much i hadn*t learned yet. And with all the things going on in my head about missing my friends and missing my family...i guess i walked into the back room looking a little out of it...my friends asked me what was wrong...i said nothing, but they kept pressing me...are you sure bc it*s ok to cry...it*s pretty much a rule that you have to cry during training some time...anndddd that was it..alllll the emotions in side from the past...oh...3 months came tumbling out...into one huge tear. I couldn*t hold it back. One of the girls took me downstairs to the break room and we talked...and i come to hear yet again....that i am not alone in the way i am feeling. It seems like every person i work with was or is in a similar situation to me...moving here, away from family, away from friends, even looking for wedding dresses alone. Not knowing how to give directions to the guests...and having to rely on google maps...feeling completely lost the first month of work, and things even deeper as well....
.....after i collected myself and came back upstairs Ameina pulled me into one of the offices and told me i had better cry again....and this time...not hold back. HAHA. She asked me what my story was....i told her...then she told me hers. It was one of those moments. Really, the people i work with....care more about how you are feeling and how you are doing in life...than how you do your job.
I think we all understand each other...and it really connects us. I really love people, and i really love hearing THEIR stories...and feel so honored that i get to hear them. ANYWAY...after the tears, Ameina tells me that she talked to Reza, and the new plan was that she was going to lock us both away in the office and she was actually going to train me...until i understood EVERYTHING and felt 100% comfortable doing everything on my own. I felt a huge wash of relief run over me...
and that*s just what we did...she went step by step, over everything...and then had me do everything in front of her. EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. FINALLY. The feeling of gratitude i felt yesterday was like non other...and by the end of the night we were both smiling from ear to ear. We did not have time to learn a few other programs Marriott uses, but i believe we will cover that today.

All this, combined with a reality check/inspirational e-mail, made me remember a lot of things i had some how forgotten recently.
There are still things inside myself i can*t come to terms with exactly yet...but i think i have an idea how to deal with them...




But for now...i have to live in the moment...each and every one...and like someone wise once told me... (more like...reminded me 59739483478982337 times)..."The mind is a VERY powerful tool. Use it to your advantage and only allow positive thoughts to enter it. (You really can control what you allow to enter your mind.)"

what to say....??

Hello there, I*m here but i*m not....

DJ, Rambert & I went biking from Iwo Jima through the National Mall today...(why do they call it a mall???) (now i have to look up the actual definition)

1: a usually public area often set with shade trees and designed as a promenade or as a pedestrian walk

...ok then...now i see.









ANYWAY...it was nice...Rambo was so happy and I just get SOOO happy seeing him get the exercise he deserves.
It*s ALSO great that his happiness is so contagious that i think he must have made over 500 people smile today...like...huge smiles...teeth smiles... :D


The job...
so i made it through my first week of actual on the job training...anddd...it is SO stressful still...
It seems like everyday i remember a little more, but i feel like i*ve NEVER learned at such a slow pace before which is what's killing me.

WHATS WORSE...
SO many things that DO make me happy...are so far away. My friends and families lives are passing me right by...and while we text all day everyday...it makes me so sad i can*t see them in person and BE adventuring with them...and celebrating WITH them as all sorts of good things in life occur.

We miss birthdays, we miss anniversaries, we miss outings, first days, last days, hospital visits, first steps, family dinners...we miss holiday outings, gymnastics competitions...and on and on and on...
...this is just not what we pictured, not what we signed up for. We are missing whats MOST important to us. And slowly it is tearing us down. YES we laugh, yes we explore...but...well, i don*t really know what else to say about it, and complaining isn*t going to make anything better.


Alright...sorry this wasn*t as uplifting as i wish it could have been. I*m just in a bad place with myself right now. Trying to understand things. Try to make sense of things. Trying to justify things in my head.
Hope everyone else is well...

On the UP side...this weekend we will get to see some of the family...and celebrate Paul & Cat's wedding together.

...THE JOB...

OK!!!...WELL...
It is what?...only my second day of actual on the job training (or shadowing) all last week was training on a computer program that was the worst program ever...every person that passed by me told me not to stab myself in the face and that if i can put up with the computer lessons i could deal with anything...it REALLY was NO FUN and by the 8th hour straight of it i was literally going out of my mind bc it was SOOO much information and really now that im actually doing what it was trying to tell me to do..i realize the same thing it was trying to teach me in 20 minutes actually takes about 5 seconds in real time. UGH. ANYWAY...this week...i began shadowing everyone. And its really hard bc when im out at the desk i kind of have to make it obvious that i am in training bc if i dont the guests that come to the desk think im just being a jerk by not offering to help them. So thats really annoying and awkward. I am just CRAMMING sooo many codes and processes into my head it*s insane. I dont know if anyone has ever delt with the ancient computer program ugh what is it even called...i cant remember-my brains fried for the moment...but it is like, the oldest system used on computers and to do the littlest thing takes 5 minutes and nothing makes sense...its all just memorizing. One of my bosses told me i wouldnt be checking anyone in or handling anything by myself for at least 2 weeks but i already ended up doing it my first day (i pretty much assumed that would happen) What i AM good at is "engaging the guest" LOL...(talking to them) that parts great...i just hate not knowing everything yet and it is SOOOO much to learn.

ALLLLL the people who i work with are still SOOOO nice...so funny and so interesting. there are people from all over the world who work there and i just pick their brains...one of the girls im close with at front desk is a girl from Holland, her name is nina, and i had her show me on google earth around her home town and asked her about her fav food and she showed me the most popular dinner dish...i guess what i came away with was that in Holland you eat a TON of bread and potatoes. i tell her she looks and sounds just like gisele bundchen but a little shorter HAHAHA. Another amazing and PATIENT girl who i love at front desks name is Carolina...shes hilarious and going to school to be a pediatrician...she LOVES kids and maybe thats y she is SO patient with me and actually offers to train me each day and is SO good at it. There is a woman named Elina from russia...SWEETHEART...she is also tireless and is NEVER aggravated when i have a question. She always brings me treats. Everyone else is also amazing...everyone makes it a point to go out of their way for you and smile and say hello by name when u pass in the halls...everyone holds the door for each other and so on...i guess this all comes with people who work in the hospitality industry.

though i am learning so much and constantly working after the first two hours the time seems to crawl by at a ridiculously slug-like speed. Hopefully that will change. I feel like ive been out of the working game for a lot longer than i actually have been. There*s much more to say about everything at work as well as outside of work but i have to get to sleep and i need to post this now so everyones happy :)
love to alllll!!