StiCky SaP, BaLLet shoEs & Top NotCh PeOple

₩ell we made it home for thanksgiving which was so great...I got to see pretty much my entire family both in CT and NY...and many of my friends including one of my long lost friends who I got to catch up with which was rather surreal. It*s so strange when you haven*t seen someone you used to be so close to, who knew everything about you inside and out..and then you have to try to catch them up with what you have been doing the past 3 years in about 3 hours time. As I told my story it hit me how much can happen in 3 years. Also how much I still need to accomplish off my list of things I had wanted to accomplish by now.

I*m not sure exactly what changed in my head...I think it was Ally passing away...but since then a great deal of fog thats been looming over my head the past few months has blown away and I am more inspired and genuinely posisitve {not just putting on a front of positivity}. There are still things I am un-certain about... but even just being honest with myself about that fact makes me feel better.

I just finished helping out with the Nutcracker here...
Being back stage again and around so many passionate people had such a nostalgic and warm feeling about it. I felt home again. Butterflies are contagious.. and everything that goes into preparing for a performance is just pure magic. Theres NOTHING else like it. It*s just the fact that you are witnessing a MILLION different pieces coming together all at once... to form something absolutely BEAUTIFUL.

Each piece has taken someone so much dedication and time and love...and then it all gets thrown together and without the other pieces it wouldn*T seem like anything...
...but with the entire team... the entire force all at once... you have ALL created something so powerful... together. And then i finally got to see the production on the last night... and sat next to the sweetest little girl with autism... and just hearing her gasp in awe when she saw the sugar plum fairy in her sparkling tutu... it*s what it*s all about.. it*s why performers do what they do... and as the music grew louder and louder... the little girl would get SO enthralled in the performance... she would mimic the music until she got to loud that her mother would have to tell her to "shhh"...
... being part of such a beautiful and complex machiene again was absolutely fantastic. I met so many interesting and inspiring people... and to me.. that*s what life is about.... experiences like that.


Work is also going really well... because it is the holiday season and Marriott throws associate holiday parties throughout the month... i have been sent on task force {where you go and work at other properties so they are free to attend their holiday party} ...i have met the most incredibly friendly people...
it honestly takes me by surprise... and i almost catch myself asking... wait..WHY are you being that way? why are you being so nice??? I*m VERY lucky. I*m VERY glad I am experiencing what i am experiencing. Everyday i learn something beautiful about life.
And everyday someone impresses me. Is that rare? I feel like it is. Whatever it is... i appreciate it and love every second of it.

♡☃Yesterday Dj and i went out hunted down our perfect X~mas tree..and honestly... it is PERFECT. I*ve never seen such a perfect tree. It is the PERFECT size... hight.. fullness... and it smells SO heavenly!!! Driving home with it we both had sap on our hands loving every sticky moment of it... we kept taking turns sniffing these slices of pine taken off the trunk of our tree... i took them home so i could use them as wintertime coasters... We also picked up pine garlands with pine cones attached and hung them over the window sills and fireplace (where i have candles, and my little nutcracker prince the ballet gave me as part of a thank you gift}
and swirled them around the front porch and over the door.... it makes me SO SO happy!!!!!❄ ❅ Did i mention that part of my orchard will have an x-mas tree farm attached? ;]

Today Dj and I went out to the NRA range and then spent hours picking out an awesome guitar that we got!! AND NOW... Dj is playing me Taylor Swift songs!!!!!! It*s freaking un~believable and the sensations i get when i*m around crafty people is so intense!!... when i*m around it i just feel amazing. ♬♪

What else.. what else... oh...It was DJ*s b~day! Did i even mention that?! So i tried to make that as special for him as possible and coOked these dishes that honestly impressed me to the fullest degree...i really had to pat myself on the back..i think it was just luck bc i made everything from scratch and didn*t use a recipe... Dj LOVED all his presents and it was just great to get to have off all weekend and spend it with him. Last night we went out to celebrate Cat*s 25th b~day as well at olive garden and i had THE BEST WINEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... i never thought of myself as a wine lover... i am now officially a wine ℓo√ﻉℛ!!♥

--If You*ve Never Failed........You*ve Never Lived--

....absolutely worth watching.

...The "Blind"...

This weekend at the Marriott...we have been housing over 100 guests from the federation for the blind...it has been overall, an amazingly eye opening and touching experience to say the least. I wish i had written this yesterday when i had more time to do this topic justice...but here we go..

These people...are SO cheerful, SO friendly, SO inspiring.
They greet each other in the hallways, they walk without fear.

I checked in one married couple {blind}who had two absolutely beautiful little girls who could see...i couldnt imagine never being able to see your childrens faces...i couldnt imagine how challenging it must be to raise children without the help of sight. Life is challenging enough as it is...add on not being able to see...i dont know..something must happen to your spirit.

I was watching a documentary at lunch actually where a male was born without limbs...now he is a pro wrestler. He can take on the wrestlers with limbs and win. Can you even imagine.

THIS is the power of determination. THIS is the power of the human spirit and the mind.

These people know what they want...they have un-faultering confidence, they dont let others bring them down, they dont let challenges scare them....Inspiring...



{One of my favorite paintings by Thomas Kinkade. He just gets it...he gets EXACTLY what is inside me...when i think of the perfect holiday, or the perfect life...i picture living in one of his paintings...where everyone gets together and everything is warm and traditions are upheld and neighbors love and care for each other}

Soooo...the holidays are fast approaching, anddd Dj and i have fought long and hard and finally got SOME days off to get home and see everyone....it*s going to go by SO extremely fast...we have both been keeping ours eyes open for jobs back upstate incase anything cool pops up...but i dunnnooo...it loOks like we very well may be sticking it out at least till our lease is up...we shall seeeee....we will certainly need to stock up on a little extra cash since we will be spending so much on gifts....anyway...cant wait to see everyone!

ALLISONBEAR

I*ve never felt sorrow like this...i dont know why this one is hitting me SO hard. everyone i have lost in the past...has been hard....VERY hard...but it hasn*t been QUITE like this because Ally was a part of our everyday lives...she was the best part of waking up and the best part of going to sleep....(aside from dj) but she made it all complete. she was our snuggle bear...we would wake and fall asleep to her rumbling purr sound and feeling on our chests...and now its not there...while we went to work we knew her and ally would be snuggled up in a ball together or having fun together...now ink is all alone...and i can TELL she is SO confused and worried. It*s what is killing me the most i think.



Ink and ally were like yin and yang, not only in how they slept but they were total opposites that complimented and completed each other....ally the cuddlebug and ink the independent feisty one...it*s so INCOMPLETE without allison in the house. It REALLY changes the vibe of EVEYTHING. AND I HATE IT. I HATE IT. Taryn sent me a poem from a pet loss sight that made me feel a little better...and this morning ive been on the site reading poems and crying yet again...here is the poem taryn left me:



Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....



On the pet loss page is goes over the stages of grief so you can understand that what you are feeling is normal and that one day you WILL start to feel better...and NO it will never be ALL better...bc there are moments every day for the rest of our lives im sure we will think of her..but i guess the trick is to not feel pain when we are reminded of her but take a second to feel her beside us rubbing her little wet nose against our hand or leg..to feel her purring deeply like she always does.
She even purred for DJ after she was hit...to tell him it was going to be ok and that she was ok.




i feel empty...i feel mad...i feel lonely i feel weak i still feel a little guilty...i dont want to feel better but at the same time i do...i STILL am in a little of the chock phase where i cant REALLY get a grip on the fact that this is real....
it SUCKS.



Ink is now on the foot of the bed...ally would b on my computer/tummy if she were here in the flesh...and rambo has his front paws on the bed and his head laying on my stomach trying to console me. i just keep glancing at ink...thinking she looks so alone and sad...i keep wondering what shes thinking...and i dont know what to do to take her mind off things. she doesnt really like to play games...she just likes to snuggle with allison or go outside with allison but now i will NEVER let them outside EVER again...maybe ill try to get her used to a leash but that seems pointless she would hate that.

i made myself go to work yesterday...crazy that my last post was on the morning of allys death...i knew nothing of it...she was on my tummy as i blogged...purring away...sorry- got off topic...
i went into work thinking it would force me to snap out of it...it didnt work...and only elina REALLY TRULY understood my pain in the way that i felt it. i feel like everyone else may had gone through a pet loss...but only she knew how i was feeling and how strongly i am feeling it. she went to the bathroom and cried with me. the rest of the crew really didnt know what to do with me in my state but at teh end of the night...one boy came in early so i could go home early and one boy offered to take my shift today so i could take more time. it made me want to cry more. they said they were here to help and they listened to everything i have been going through in my life and my head...they said no matter where life takes me - even if i decide to leave soon...to remember i always have them here in dc. it was REALLY really nice. even if they didn*t understand why i was being such a weak baby about this...they understood that i was in pain and were doing what they could to make me smile.

{i want to thank everyone for their kind words and caring..it really means a lot to both of us..i know its hard to know what to say to a grieving person but thank u for just being there}


We will be getting her ashes and paw print soon...it*s going to be TERRIBLE. the next YEAR is going to feel terrible i feel like. i need something to change i feel like. a new place...a new something. knowing we all came here together as one big happy family who was going to do this together and now not having one fourth of us make it just feels so haunting. the other half of me feel like this was the last place she was and it will be hard to leave. i know no matter where we go she will be with us...and the only thing that truly comforts me is thinking rainbow bridge really exists...but that she also comes and hang out with us every day too...and sleeps with us at night and sleeps with ally while we are gone....but i REALLY want heaven to exist... i REALLY do...i REALLY want to think that i will see her again and ink will see her again...and that when each member of our little family passes away in their own time that we are greeted and welcomed and escorted by the ones who have gone before us...and that we will all wait happily for the next member to arrive. I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE TRUE. How do i make it true???

it*s raining...

hi everyone...i know it*s been a while but thats bc pretty much nothing has changed...one of my best friends grandfather passed away last week and it really made me sad i couldn*t be there for her. It also made me sad i cant see my family more often...time is really so precious. But we DID go upstate that weekend bc i thought thats when the wake was (but they had held it earlier in the week:()...but we got to see dj*s family and celebrate Brookes b-day which was absolutely wonderful and really what both of us needed so desperately. Zoe never gets taller it seems (ok a little)...yet she can do more and more every time i see her...she can talk now...and just makes the funniest expressions and is just the most adorable thing you*ve ever seen. i also got to see amanda who i*ve missed so much...
...mmm...don*t really know what to say...work is work. I only see Dj when it*s dark outside...i think my schedules finally changing but for the worse...i*m pretty sure i wont be getting every weekend off anymore...something has to be done soon...things get really slow at the hotel for the next few months so maybe ill take an extra day off a week so maybe i can see DJ at least once... or maybe not? i guess we*re here to work and save money so thats what i should do....
...the leaves here are not as impressive as the ones in NY that we saw last weekend...but maybe ours just haven*t hit their peek yet. I found the most amazing place in NY where if i ever moved back...i would ABSOLUTELY have to look into one way or another...for work or play...it*s called OMEGA and it*s a wellness retreat center...they practice and teach sustainable living...and have famous inspirational speakers from all over the world come. They have beautiful yoga, dance and art centers and everything you could ever imagine....an amazing spa....gardens...i need to go some time!


In my head right now...i would love to finish up 6 months here and then move back to NY for another 4 or 5 years. It would give me time to be there for big changes that come with things my and my friends age...i want to be there for them...the good and the bad moments...and i want to have children closer to family. The place i am looking at is right around omega actually and about an hour from CT and about 45 mins from home in NY...so it*s pretty perfect...well it might be better if it were a little closer to both but that*s just not possible...lol. The town is pretty much the closest thing one could ever find to matching stars hollow...and if you don*t know what that is then you just wont understand but it makes me EXTREMELY happy to think about.

DJ*S UPDATE!!

WOW, Miriams blogs are soo good, i have to read them to see what we have been up to most of the time we are so busy all the time.

Work is work, i cant argue about if i love it or not, i do it for our lil family to provide what we need/want, i go there for most of the day and get stuff done and do the best i can, make money and look forward to coming home to Miriam and the animals. Im asleep now when Miriam gets home from work, so i make sure that she has everything she needs so when she gets home so she can get into bed as quick as possible.

The wedding was great, everything went well and now my best friend is married. I think i may have done well with my best mans speach, im not sure. Everything seemed to fly past!

Our little visit with the family in atlantic city was amazing but too short, hopefully we can get to NY this weekend to see everyone again!

One thing i noticed living down here is that I dont think my body is used to the seasons. It was 75 outside last night and 65 outside thi morning....somthing about that did not feel right for this time of year.

"Let me c your bowling face!"

WELL...
The wedding was absolutely beautiful...SO detailed, so thought out...there was just SO much to it...i mean, the shower, the bach party, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the after party, the after luncheon... EVERY ONE of them was detailed out to the max. Cats mom planned most of it... i can see now why she has been so stressed out!!
I couldn*t have had a better time spent with Brooke and Glenn, we just had a ball...and i needed it so much. {I didn*t really see dj that much bc he had many best man duties to fulfill, but he had an awesome time too}
After the lunch the next day we took off to meet Brooke, Glenn, Dean and Patty in Atlantic city. It was my first time and wow...it was like...a grown ups, dirty disney world?? I*ve never been a casino person, and every time i go into one or around one i remember why. im a slight germaphobe in general...but this place just gave me the heebygeebies. The sounds of course are like any casino and just an overwhelming overlay of freaky circus musicish type thing that is created from the thousands of slot machines going off...the freakiest part of all is the people who are there...some are huge... some look homeless, some are wearing barely anything and now i can tell a prostitute from a mile away from working at marriott...and all are just SO hypnotized...THAT was what freaked me out the most. There were people u could just tell lost so much money by their blank faces...they would just stair far off into space like they..idk...lets change the subject....the beach was very pretty...i loved frolicking around and watching the waves and hearing them crash and feeling the wind sweeping all around me...we all had dinner together which was great...anddd then Dj and i had to leave all too soon bc rambos babysitter locked the keys in the house so she couldn't get back in. :*{

Yesterday we woke up exhausted...but ventured out to a new dog park i looked up that*s pretty much right down the road from us...it was great...waterfalls everywhere and a dog park and it just reminded me of back in the woods back home so it made me happy.

i*m heading back to work in a few short hours...really just don*t understand work...the point, the concept. I always thought i would ONLY do a job i LOVED...i dont understand doing anything but that... i don*t know where i got it in my mind that that was how it was supposed to be... but....i*m learning fast that it*s not like that. I don*t know how long i can work a job where i see my only friend here one day a week if i*m not scheduled. What do i even have to look forward to? I dunno, hopefully something will change. It pretty much has to. Or ill lose whatever mind i have left. Crossing my fingers that we both get this weekend off so we can be with fam and friends this holiday.