I*ve never felt sorrow like this...i dont know why this one is hitting me SO hard. everyone i have lost in the past...has been hard....VERY hard...but it hasn*t been QUITE like this because Ally was a part of our everyday lives...she was the best part of waking up and the best part of going to sleep....(aside from dj) but she made it all complete. she was our snuggle bear...we would wake and fall asleep to her rumbling purr sound and feeling on our chests...and now its not there...while we went to work we knew her and ally would be snuggled up in a ball together or having fun together...now ink is all alone...and i can TELL she is SO confused and worried. It*s what is killing me the most i think.
Ink and ally were like yin and yang, not only in how they slept but they were total opposites that complimented and completed each other....ally the cuddlebug and ink the independent feisty one...it*s so INCOMPLETE without allison in the house. It REALLY changes the vibe of EVEYTHING. AND I HATE IT. I HATE IT. Taryn sent me a poem from a pet loss sight that made me feel a little better...and this morning ive been on the site reading poems and crying yet again...here is the poem taryn left me:
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
On the pet loss page is goes over the stages of grief so you can understand that what you are feeling is normal and that one day you WILL start to feel better...and NO it will never be ALL better...bc there are moments every day for the rest of our lives im sure we will think of her..but i guess the trick is to not feel pain when we are reminded of her but take a second to feel her beside us rubbing her little wet nose against our hand or leg..to feel her purring deeply like she always does.
She even purred for DJ after she was hit...to tell him it was going to be ok and that she was ok.
i feel empty...i feel mad...i feel lonely i feel weak i still feel a little guilty...i dont want to feel better but at the same time i do...i STILL am in a little of the chock phase where i cant REALLY get a grip on the fact that this is real....
it SUCKS.
Ink is now on the foot of the bed...ally would b on my computer/tummy if she were here in the flesh...and rambo has his front paws on the bed and his head laying on my stomach trying to console me. i just keep glancing at ink...thinking she looks so alone and sad...i keep wondering what shes thinking...and i dont know what to do to take her mind off things. she doesnt really like to play games...she just likes to snuggle with allison or go outside with allison but now i will NEVER let them outside EVER again...maybe ill try to get her used to a leash but that seems pointless she would hate that.
i made myself go to work yesterday...crazy that my last post was on the morning of allys death...i knew nothing of it...she was on my tummy as i blogged...purring away...sorry- got off topic...
i went into work thinking it would force me to snap out of it...it didnt work...and only elina REALLY TRULY understood my pain in the way that i felt it. i feel like everyone else may had gone through a pet loss...but only she knew how i was feeling and how strongly i am feeling it. she went to the bathroom and cried with me. the rest of the crew really didnt know what to do with me in my state but at teh end of the night...one boy came in early so i could go home early and one boy offered to take my shift today so i could take more time. it made me want to cry more. they said they were here to help and they listened to everything i have been going through in my life and my head...they said no matter where life takes me - even if i decide to leave soon...to remember i always have them here in dc. it was REALLY really nice. even if they didn*t understand why i was being such a weak baby about this...they understood that i was in pain and were doing what they could to make me smile.
{i want to thank everyone for their kind words and caring..it really means a lot to both of us..i know its hard to know what to say to a grieving person but thank u for just being there}
We will be getting her ashes and paw print soon...it*s going to be TERRIBLE. the next YEAR is going to feel terrible i feel like. i need something to change i feel like. a new place...a new something. knowing we all came here together as one big happy family who was going to do this together and now not having one fourth of us make it just feels so haunting. the other half of me feel like this was the last place she was and it will be hard to leave. i know no matter where we go she will be with us...and the only thing that truly comforts me is thinking rainbow bridge really exists...but that she also comes and hang out with us every day too...and sleeps with us at night and sleeps with ally while we are gone....but i REALLY want heaven to exist... i REALLY do...i REALLY want to think that i will see her again and ink will see her again...and that when each member of our little family passes away in their own time that we are greeted and welcomed and escorted by the ones who have gone before us...and that we will all wait happily for the next member to arrive. I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE TRUE. How do i make it true???
