Thing are always in a constant state of change...[is that an oxymoron?]...but right now it feels as if everyone around me is in a big transition period.
My friend Amanda is going to be picking up and moving to Texas...Brooke & Glenn are really trying to get to South Carolina soon...Patty & Dean want to move...I want to move....and my Grandfather is probably going through the greatest transition of all.
After god knows how many decades, my grandfather will be retiring from his job as an accountant. NOTHING could make me happier than this. It was going to be the death of him...and though it has caused damage already...he sounds healthier than I can*t even remember when. I can*t wait to see him, bc he tells me he*s been eating non stop which is GREAT...bc now the most well dressed Grampa around will actually fill out his clothes and look like the dashing Gramps he used to be. I want more than anything to go for walks with him in the sunshine and catch things out of the creeks like we used to...[but i can*t..bc I*m here] He has moved into a new place for now...and may be thinking about selling the old house. THIS chokes me up every time I think about it...bc even though i know it*S not a place that holds memories, it*s people...THAT house holds most of my favorite happy memories inside it*s walls. It would bring together my entire family on thanksgivings and other holidays and birthdays....I remember playing dress up with my grandmothers clothes in that house, my aunt putting makeup on me for the first time in that house, my step brothers and I flushing my Uncle Lawrences' shoe down the toilet in that house, throwing everything that would fit down the magical laundry shoot....cooking in the kitchen with all the women of the family laughing the whole time...I remember Nanny being there at Thanksgiving too... after I had finished eating I would melt under the table and "discretely" listen to the adults conversations while tying every ones shoelaces together... I remember every nook and crevasse in that house bc I hid in each one many times playing hide and seek....I remember giving performances in it*s beautifully plush living room....I remember sword fighting with Grandpa with this priceless antique sword and him not caring one bit...I remember setting my slinky free down the staircase about a million times and it never getting old..also sliding down the banister...I remember making copies of all kinds of funny things with grandpa downstairs and thinking it was so fun... I remember barbecues out on the beautiful stone patio....and worm watching in our secret worm watching spots...
...but as things do...change occurred and now overtime the house has lost most of it*s warmth and magical powers now thanksgivings are held all over the place as well as other holidays...so I guess it seems fitting that Grandpa move...i want him to be happy, and while he still clings on to believing the house has magical powers like i had for so long..i think there shows promise of a new kind of life somewhere else for him.
What I know for sure is that this entire process of moving him out has called upon the family to come together once again.... and for selfless tasks to be carried out for this wonderful man. It warms my heart and inspires my soul to hear that my family members have really stepped up to make Grandpas life as carefree as possible. They really, in my eyes are superheros..and I am in awe of their power. I hope with everything that I have that one day I will be secure enough a human being to help my loved ones to their capacity.
I feel like people move in search of or because of opportunity and/or fulfillment.
What happens when you move, and you are not happy? Do you force yourself? If so..why didn*T you just force yourself to be happy with the place you started? People say it*s in your own hands to make yourself happy where ever you are....but I have been trying desperately for about 7 months now and each day I feel worse. Each day I wake up and hope for a miracle to hit me in the face....bc I've searched all around for ways to make one happen for myself here...and I've never felt so un-inspired in my life....therefor I am unsuccessful. And YES...I have tried all the little things...i*ve tried to teach myself guitar again, Ive tried painting, Ive gone for walks, taken classes at the gym....trying to make the small things keep me at least entertained and feeling a little fulfilled.. but nothing ever does the trick..ill be happy when i*m doing the activity but then once im done i go right back into feeling like there*s supposed to be more to life. I have been struggling with this since I was young...my biggest fears have come true...life as an adult is even worse than I ever expected. .... I honestly do not think I will be blogging a lot anymore bc I have nothing to say that is worth reading..or very uplifting right now and my mom always told me if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all.
I wish I could.
Excuse me, Miriam, you aren't allowed to be like this. As somebody who has moved all over the world for his job, I can speak to the fact that it isn't easy to be inspired, especially when nobody is forcing you to. Just go out and do what makes you happy, I know there are lots of things that do. Coaching soccer worked for me. And can we chat soon?
ReplyDeleteOk so I love you. I'm so used to seeing you cheery and bubbly and didn't really think you and I had much in common.. until that last paragraph. I have no words of encouragement because what you wrote is pretty much exaclt how I feel. I damn near cried it was so dead on. All i know is that even though you don't feel inspired you inspire other people. So that's the good news. i wish i could make you feel better but at least we both know we're not alone.
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